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Work Fights

Writer's picture: Dana DillardDana Dillard

Updated: Oct 15, 2024


Inevitably, we are going to get side-ways with people at work. It is going to happen. But as we grow as leaders and mature as adults, does it make sense to dig in on the disagreement, or to find a way back to civility?


Let's look at our options.


The Dig-In Approach: your mindset with this approach is that any form of reconciliation is never going to happen. You don't like each other, you don't respect each other, your approach to the work and the people is not in-sync. This is never going to be a partnership. Based on this acceptance, you avoid this person at all costs. You will find work arounds to steer clear of them and you remain in neutral silence any time your nemesis has a win at work. You review your calendar every morning to see how many interactions are likely for the day and you have a pit in your stomach every time you see your work foe meeting with the higher-ups. You tell yourself this is just the cost of work, and you try not to overthink about the other person...........but he or she takes up a lot of space in your mind. More than you would like.


The Olive Branch Approach: in this situation, you want to better the relationship with the co-worker, but you don't feel you did anything wrong --- and yet peace at the office not unlike the river is much more appealing. The first thing to do and the most adult thing to do is to sit with the other person and try and talk it out. A lot of people will avoid this entirely, but I am convinced you will feel better about the situation if you try. You may not succeed, but you can give yourself credit for the attempt. I recommend setting up a meeting and being honest about the topic so that your colleague can be thinking about it too. Something like: I'd like to spend some time with you talking about our relationship and how we can be better partners. I'm looking forward to your ideas and thank you for spending some time with me." At the meeting, it's ok to be the first to extend a peace offering via a statement such as: "I know we don't always agree or get along at work. But despite our differing opinions, I would like to find a way that we can work together and disagree, but still have conversations and partner when we need to. Do you think that's possible? To agree to disagree and maybe still have lunch sometimes?" The conversation will go one of two ways: They will engage with you, and you'll make some progress........or they will deny there is any conflict and act like they don't know what you are talking about. This approach is the grown-up version of "Go tell Tommy you are sorry" and does not happen enough at the office in my observation. If they will not engage, then you have done your part and it's ok to go about your business. Act toward them as your normally would and assure yourself that you have attempted a mature and high road route, but you can't do it alone. Let it go and try not to think about how it could be if people were more mature.


Leave: In this scenario, you are worn down and don't really understand how you and your co-worker got so far on the opposite side of issues. You don't think this environment lends itself to someone who wants to collaborate or join forces, and you don't feel appreciated for your collegial approach to leading. When you visualize an olive branch conversation with your counterpart, you cannot imagine they will engage, and it is exhausting to try to meet someone halfway when they are not interested at all. Some environments are more cutthroat than others and you have to be honest with yourself if you are up to this type of discourse. What is the impact on your day-to-day happiness and mental health to be on this sort of team? Only you can answer these questions, but it begins with a true assessment of what you like and don't like about your current gig and does the good outweigh the bad.


Unfortunately, every work environment has this type of conflict, and some people thrive on it. There are bullies out there who will go after the ones they are jealous of or don't want to compete with. And then there are others who when they sense weakness, will look for opportunities to pummel the "weaker" workers. These folks haven't figured out that it isn't a zero-sum game for challenges and opportunities at work. I find these folks to be self-absorbed narcissists, and this is how they are wired so change is very unlikely. If you decide to stay with the organization, it is important to build up your defenses and focus on the positives of your workplace. Don't give your power to these bullies - they don't deserve it.


I would love to hear about your experience in dealing with conflict and co-workers. What lengths have you gone to in order to have peace at the desktop?



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