How close is too close at work?

I once worked with an executive responsible for managing a medium-sized team of professional contributors. He had five or six senior vice presidents, mainly women, reporting to him. Yet, almost every day, he would have lunch with the only male leader on his team. This made me wonder about the feelings of the other leaders on his team. It seemed that the male leader had a closer relationship with the executive than most of the female leaders. Does this imply increased financial benefits, support, or opportunities? It certainly means more face time and greater access.

As leaders, how do we aim to build trust and closeness with our team members while ensuring fairness? Over the years of leading teams, I've learned some lessons, and I hope you can gain insights from my journey. Here are my top five tips for building relationships at work while maintaining boundaries.

1. Avoid being lunch buddies with direct reports. I'm not referring to team lunches or birthday celebrations. I'm talking about spending lunch with one or two team members while ignoring others. Rotating and spending lunch time evenly across the group is fine, but showing favoritism to one or two people will create tension and distrust among the rest of the team.

   
   

2. Oversharing: It's fine to have personal conversations at work and inquire about families and activities outside the office. Questions like "How did Adam do at the spelling bee?" or "How did your husband enjoy skiing?" are normal. However, don't share everything about your family, and I hope your directs won't share everything about theirs. Your relationship is based on business, so don't undermine it with too much personal information. Doing so changes the relationship from co-workers to something else, which doesn't benefit either party.

   
   

3. How You Spend Your Time: Observe who frequently visits your office or calls you. Do you distribute your time equally among all team members, or do one or two get more time with you? Keep track for a couple of weeks to see if you're fairly distributing your time and connecting with your team members. When I led a call center, I had a supervisor who often dropped by to chat and share funny stories. I didn't realize how often she did this (avoiding real work) until another supervisor pointed it out. Be fair with your time.

   
   

4. Do you ever hesitate to give feedback? Is your relationship with a team member so close that you hesitate to be direct or provide necessary feedback for their growth? If so, you might be more friends than boss/direct report. You may need to step back from that relationship and set new boundaries.

   
   

5. Are you spending time with people like you? The "affinity bias" can influence your team interactions, where you naturally spend more time with those similar to you. If you share more in common with some team members, it might not seem problematic. However, consider the true meaning of equity: does everyone on your team have equal access to opportunities within the organization? That access starts with you. I've been fortunate to have people recruit me for various roles, and I often wonder how things might have differed without this "access." Leaders should strive to be the bridge connecting everyone on their team to opportunities.

   
   

6. And a bonus item: Is there someone on your team trying to influence you regarding another department or person at the company? This can be very risky. I had a boss known for listening to one influencer instead of discovering the truth. This is weak leadership—don't let anyone on your team manipulate you in this way.

Being a strong leader requires connecting with everyone on your team. However, this connection should be inclusive, not limited to a select few. Focus on the success of everyone in your group and strive to be fair in how you allocate your time and attention. Playing favorites guarantees that some team members will feel excluded and overlooked for future opportunities. Remember, everyone wants to feel they are part of the inner circle, not on the outside looking in.